All I had today was a cup of apple-lemon-ginger juice and a bowl of peas. I should not feel guilty about that.

(but I do)

But I didn't put a single crumb in my mouth at the bakery. This is a huge thing. I'm gonna do it again tomorrow. I just kept saying to myself all day, "Think of how good you'll feel when you haven't had even a bite of sugar today. Won't that be wonderful?"

Today has been awful.
I work at a bakery and today was our first day open since Christmas. I'm sure you can imagine what might have happened over the course of 8 hours there. Fuck. It took so much energy not to just go purge... over one cookie! This is very bad news. When I start thinking about purging, it always comes at the start of a major nosedive in my ability to "control" this problem. I walk a very thin line between being disordered and being severely disordered, no in between really, and purging fantasies are always a very bad sign of things to come.

And my best friend just flipped out on me for telling her she wasn't totally right in some situation of her own and now she won't even talk to me and I don't know how to tell her that there is only so much I can deal with on any given day and when things are this bad in my own world, I don't even know how to begin fixing hers.

I'm sorry, this is pointless and whiny. I'm just frustrated and freaking out and hoping I don't break down when I call A at 8. He had his surgery this morning and the last thing he needs is a weepy girlfriend 1000 miles away who he can't do anything for anyway.

I don't know what to do.
Except start fresh tomorrow.
Fresh as a daisy!

There are only two people who know even a little about what's going on now. One is my best friend, I'll call her AL to differentiate her from my boyfriend, and I get the feeling that she thinks she doesn't understand it at all, but she's got psychological problems of her own that, I think, actually would provide her a great deal of insight (and me a great deal of comfort) if she could open herself up to the idea that other people have the same sorts of problems as her. She's wonderful but it's difficult to get her focus off herself and her problems long enough to look at a bigger picture. She pretends otherwise, but really she likes feeling like nobody in the world could possibly understand what she goes through... it's unfortunate because sometimes the only thing in the world i want is somebody who understands.

The other person is more than a best friend. N and I dated off and on for about a year before I finally just was done with the games and moved on and found A in a totally serendipitous way. Back in May I think, I left a movie theater and climbed the parking garage stairs to my car and I felt so weak I couldn't even start my car. I was at my lowest weight then, and had gotten there very very fast, and I was also at my lowest emotional point. I just sat in my car and cried and eventually he was the person I called. Even though all our weird ambiguity, and maybe somehow because of it, he knows me better than maybe anyone else ever. He has suddenly realized, apparently, that he made a serious mistake in putting me through so much heartache, and it's quite sad really. The night he had I first really got together last year, I called my two closest friends at the time and told them that I might have just found the man I was going to marry. I was that convinced, and for what? He wasted the time he had to claim me, and now that I've moved on to somebody who is honestly so much better for me (in every way, really, and N knows it), he's suddenly come around. It's too late, but I still care about him tremendously and he continues to be a huge source of comfort to me when I just can't handle things by myself anymore.

I don't even know why I'm talking about this.

I just need to hit 130 by spring break. I know this rapid weight drop will slow down, probably right about now, but 10 pounds in two months is not at all unreasonable and, surprisingly, it's not even unhealthy. That is the week of SXSW here and a group of A's oldest friends are coming down. I want him to be proud to show me off to them. I know how that sounds, but I also know anybody reading this will probably understand. I can hold my own in my current state. I'm attractive enough, and smart and funny and well-rounded (ha), but I am constantly trying to better myself mentally, so it only makes sense that I strive equally to better my physical appearance. There is nothing wrong with having an ideal image of yourself and working toward that. If more people did... well.

So.
A very solid (meaning not just out of total dehydration) 130 by March 10. Totally reasonable. Completely.

4 pounds in two days. Man, I love fasting. My new favorite juice is apple-lemon-ginger, fresh, from Central Market. I'm nursing a watered down cup of it for the rest of the day. 12 days to go and then my dear boy is back and I'll hopefully calm down and work my way out of this cycle. It's not about him, it really has nothing to do with him (though that wasn't always the case with boys in the past), he's just a very calming influence and having him around makes me feel like i have a reason to act like a normal person.

so far so good, mostly. i had diet coke and water and super watered down juice all day, plus the last bite of christmas chocolate i brought home with me. so now it's gone and all i have easily accessible is water, tea, and a little bit of juice. i need to get a juicer.

i got up to 147 from all the holiday eating. i was at 140 before thanksgiving. i'll hopefully be back at 135 by the time A comes home in two weeks. hm... caloriesperhour says the best i can do is 137. we'll see i guess. honestly, anything under 140 will be a huge, huge, huge help. aside from all of his other amazingly wonderful qualities, A is incredibly good looking, and I want him to feel the same way about me, but how can i even hope for that when i'm so flabby and squishy and gross? i can't, basically, and that's pretty clear, so i'll just become what i want to be, which is a good bit different from what i am now. i want him to notice something's different when he gets home, but maybe not exactly what. i don't want him to be worried, he doesn't need to be, i just need to get down to 135 and i can maintain from there.

a few months ago when i was going through a bad time, my best friend said, "i think maybe you just aren't meant to be skinny."

whoa.

Rough days, these. Very, very rough. I feel like a full blown fast is in order, 7-10 days. I'll say one day for now. And then another, after I do that one right. Just tea and a little veggie juice and vtamins for some energy. I've done this plenty of times before, I can do it again.

I made a new account so that proana wouldn't be listed in the friends section or my regular profile. People would freak.